Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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