If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
