It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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