this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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