omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
