ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
