My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
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