if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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