nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
