I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
