I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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