Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
