he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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