There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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