why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
