every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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