remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
