You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
