He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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