just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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