U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
When are your genitals available?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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