one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
