I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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