dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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