a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
