I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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