it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
