Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
