No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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