It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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