What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
