you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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