It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
