she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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