Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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