Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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