Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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