i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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