Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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