A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
