he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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