I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
