Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize