somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
