Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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