yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
