I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize