I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
