my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize