Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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