Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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