dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
