I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
