i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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