I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
