i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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