I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
