it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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