The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
even my farts smell like vagina
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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