If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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