Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
