Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
