He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize