i don't like sucking hair
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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